ummmm...no thanks.

i just saw this and threw up in my mouth a little. to each his own...

this boy will be the death of me.

i get up from reading to go pee. i close the baby gate behind me and proceed to the potty. jordan gets reeeeeeeeeeeally quiet and i know that means he's up to no good. so i jump up and run back to my room. and whuddya know? there he is with a nail polish brush IN HIS MOUTH. of course, i panic, rush him to the bathroom and start cleaning his mouth out with water. he starts to cry (i think because i was visibly shaking and very serious/tense/panicked. i call 911 and they transfer me to poison control. super.

the guy asks how old he is blah blah blah. he said that when they put the polish in their mouth, it burns, so they don't usually ingest very much. his instructions were to wipe his mouth out with a damp cloth and give him something to drink. as long as he's breathing and swallowing ok, he's probably going to be fine.

either way, it scared the crap out of me and all i could think about for the rest of the day was how he could stop breathing and you know...not start again. which sent me to the waterworks factory. i don't know how i would survive that, or if i would. anyway, i don't want to think about that anymore...

so, he's fine now but i did spend naptime with my ear right next to his mouth.

here are some pictures of the day:

sharing a ring pop with mommy

wearing mommy's sports bra...

nail polish left over from the morning's fiasco

summertime color!

i subscribed to askmewhats blog yesterday and was inspired to do something fun with my nails!

this is what i came up with:

i LOVE them! my left hand actually turned out a WHOLE lot better than i thought it would. which makes me happy since i'm a righty. anyway, shawna is doing my nails on thursday, but i seriously needed something on them now. last week's polish = white trashy.

i can't sleep.

this is so ridiculous right now. i need sleep. badly. and all i can do is think about douchebag. i finally deleted all the text messages he sent me. now i need to delete his pictures, emails and phone number.

this is so irritating.

i don't know why i feel so attached to him. its not like we DID anything except go on some dates. its got to be because of jordan's response to him. that's the only thing i can think of that makes some kind of sense. dating after having a baby sucks. sucks sucks sucks sucks sucks.

i hate having this feeling in the pit of my stomach. i hate having tears well up for no reason. i hate going about my day wondering about him. i hate feeling tempted to call him but not feeling strong enough to erase his phone number. ugh.

what. is. wrong. with. me.

thank you for waking up jordan. i might have become a puddle of tears just now if it weren't for your sweet cry.

party preparations!

today was caida's 1st birthday and it got me thinking about jordan's birthday (which seems like its just around the corner...) i still have a lot of things to make, so i decided to get crackin' on some of them.

i've been asking mom about terra cotta pots for like 3 weeks and she finally set some out on the counter today

so i figured i better paint them while jordan was passed out after all his partying today!

so, those little pots will eventually transform into little whales. which probably won't be for a while because i don't want their eyes to pop off. this is the project i'm most excited about. they're gonna be so flippin' cute - i can feel it.

i also made this timeline that will have pictures of him throughout his first year. anyway, i'm super excited about this birthday planning stuff. but i think that's pretty obvious.

also, the babies went skinny dipping for the first time tonight and its friggin' adorable...see for yourself:

the most important thing.

i wrote this in facebook note a while back, but i was reading it today and it just made me realize that i need to snap out of this stupid man induced funk. i don't need him. i don't need anyone. the only person in this world that i need to love me, is my son. he is my world and i love him more than i could ever express. anyway, here it is...

i was created to be a mother. the love that fills my heart and seeps through my veins at the mere thought of my child is overwhelming. it swallows me whole, and suffocates me in it's tender, loving embrace. being a mother has opened my eyes, and my heart, to a world beyond myself. a vast new realm of possibilities and emotions i never imagined i would be capable of. the fact that a boy, whose whole existence is drenched in innocence, can hold every piece of my heart amazes and humbles me. the thought that there was a child growing and developing inside of me, that depends on me for every aspect of their newly formed life, brings me to my knees in awe struck wonder. i am a mother. i live, breathe, and die for my baby boy. this was my fate and my destiny. i was made to be 'Mommy'.

so there's that.

time to get back to party planning!!!!!

30 letter challenge - letter 3 - your crush

~your crush~

dear mister,

first of all, let me start by saying that i don't like calling you my crush. "crush" implies some horrible kind of pain and if you inflict that upon me, you'll have a lot of people after you. just so you know :)

i do however like that you make me feel like a princess. i've always said that i never wanted to be treated like a princess by a man, but i know now that i was seriously mistaken. i also think its funny that you don't call our first date, a date. "meet and greet" is just too funny. and you're funny too.

i like that you send me "i miss you texts" throughout the day and "you're beautiful" is always on the tip of your tongue. so, keep that up.

i love love love that you're so tall! i don't know where this epidemic of short men came from, but i'm glad you're not one of them. I CAN WEAR HEELS AGAIN!

i don't like that it sometimes takes you millions of minutes to text or call me back. hello?! technology is pretty fascinating now. instantaneous messaging. keep up with me please.

i do like that you love my kid and don't want any more of your own. makes my life simpler because i don't want any more either.

so, i'm ending this with a new name for you. you're not my crush, you're my "seriously like".

9 months

sugarbean is 9 months old today! its so crazy...he's been alive the same length of time it took me to grow him. (by the way, how COOL is it that we womenfolk get to GROW HUMANS?!?!) anyway, i'm sad that he's getting bigger and nearing the year mark already *sheds a mommy tear* but at the same time, his birthday is getting closer and i have so many cool things planned for that birthday party. lemme tell ya....

today also happened to be kylea's bridal shower. it ran a little long, but it was still fun. we got to design wedding dresses out of toilet paper and got to watch kylea play a really funny game :) then, on the way home, we stopped at david's bridal and picked up my dress and went to see where her wedding is going to be. soooo pretty.

BUT...there is also a not so fun part. apparently, this wedding is a "no children of any age allowed" kind of a wedding. which puts me in a really tough position. i agreed to be in her wedding party before i knew that i wasn't going to be able to bring my kid. had i known that would be the case, i would've said no. she keeps saying its not personal and blah blah blah and i know its not, but it feels like it is. i told her that would be like me telling her that she can't bring her husband to something. i just feel like i'm not welcome because jordan isn't. he's the biggest part of me and if he can't be there, i don't feel like i should either. i don't know. its all a very sticky situation. i've known her for 23 years and its just irritating mostly. BLAH!

in other news...i have a crush, but unfortunately, he's getting on my nerves too, ha ha!

jessica and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day

today was awful. ashlyn was being naughty this morning and was getting into ALL kinds of trouble. she pulled the baby gate down on her head 4 times...pulled out ALL the DVDs from under the TV, tried to climb off the bed, pulled the stool out (which could have toppled onto her head) and whacked jordan in the head repeatedly with the formula container.

jordan didn't want to be put down AT ALL today. its like when parents try to put their babies on the grass and they pull their feet up and cry...like that. times 27. he didn't want to play alone or with ashlyn or with me. he just wanted to cry and scream and not nap. he also hit ashlyn on the head repeatedly with the formula container. i don't know what it is about that thing that makes them want to beat each other with it.

anyway, it seems like whenever i get in a crafty mood, the babies hate me that day and i can never get anything done. today was one of those days. i just wanted to make some of the decorations for jordan's party and no one wanted me to do anything except hold them and listen to them scream. it was horrible :(

BUT tomorrow is another day and hopefully it'll be better than today's day. so for now, this is me:

30 letter challenge - letter 2 - your parents

~your parents~

mom,

you are the strongest woman that i know. you've been through so much in your life and yet, you remain steadfast in your faith. i can only hope that one day, i can be like you in that aspect.

you have set the best example of motherhood that a girl could ever hope to ask for! i always remember you being just a few steps away, whether it was at school or at home - you were always there. to kiss my boo boos or ask about my day. (those were my favorite memories. and p.s. thanks for putting up with my "guess how many times i went to the bathroom today" game EVERY DAY! HA HA!)

i remember how heartbroken you were when dad left. but the only time you ever cried in front of us was the actual DAY he told us he was leaving. you were so strong for us and i love you for being my rock through that tumultuous time in my life.

all my friends thought you were the "cool mom" and i just thought you were crazy! but i know now that everything i thought was crazy, was just you being my mommy. worrying about if we were going to come home hurt or bruised or heartbroken. now that i'm a mother too, i understand.

you were there when i made you a grandmother. you were there when your precious grandson took his first breath. you were there when we brought him home. you were just there. you have always been there for me whenever i needed someone's shoulder to cry on or just when i needed someone to talk to. i will love you forever for everything you have done for me. i could never imagine my life without you in it.

i love you mama!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

dad,

where to begin? my favorite memories are of you coming home and matthew and i running to the door screaming "DADDY! YOU'RE HOME!!" you'd swoop us up in your arms and smother us with kisses.

i remember the day that you told us you were leaving. that goes down as one of the worst days of my life. i was so heartbroken and i remember thinking that i needed to fix it. obviously, i know now, that there was nothing i could have done to have fixed anything. and i think that everyone is better off in the place they are in now.

but i also remember you always fighting for me. fighting to spend time with us and fighting to get me to that 8th grade dance ;) listening to me cry about ricky and telling me that i could do better. speaking of 8th grade....graduation - when you let out that loud "YEEEEEEEEEEEEA! THAT'S MY GIRL!" i know i acted embarrassed, but secretly, i loved when you would do that. it made me feel like you were proud of me and that i could do anything. (i thought you were going to do that in the delivery room HA HA! juuuuuust kidding. i probably woulda smacked you!)

you always have and always will be the greatest male support that i have. despite what you say or think, you ARE the greatest dad in the world. and my opinion is the only one that matters on that issue anyway :D

so, thank you. thank you for being my support system. thank you for helping me seek help when i didn't want to. thank you for loving me unconditionally. and most importantly, thank you for being my daddy.

i love you.

thank you both for being great parents for me and fantastic GRANDparents for jordan!

seriously?!

i can never believe that people are offended when i breastfeed in public. its not like i'm just whipping my boob out in front of everyone. i am ALWAYS very modest about it.

i've had about 4 occasions when someone has said something to me or around me (loud enough for me to hear) about feeding jordan. it just makes me so angry! lskdjflskjdlkjflskdjlfkjsldjhfriougrijbv!!!! and it ranges in age as well. i've had a teenage girl (who right before she said "oh my god! that is soooo nasty!" -- was engaging in a disgusting display of pornagraphic PDA) and an elderly woman. i would expect it from a teenage dipstick, but a seasoned woman?! "i can't believe that woman is feeding her baby RIGHT THERE!" (said to her husband) the teenage girl got a lecture and i wanted to punch the old lady in the face. instead, i gave her a death glare that would rival my own mother's.

honestly, if that's what you have to complain about in your day, get a life because you're an idiot.

*updates*

i haven't really blogged about the holidays we've been having and other events, so i figured i would use this precious 'sleeping baby' time to update....

***my nephew had his first sleepover with us! it was disastrous. for those of you who don't know, my brother and SiL live in california, but come back often. however, its not often enough for little matthew to really know who we are and be comfortable being around without mommy and daddy. apparently he scares really easily and jordan? well, jordan loves to be loud. yelling and shrieking ensued and little matthew was up for the better part of the night, crying.

before the yelling...

after a bunch of crying.

***jordan does something naughty...ashlyn has this container that holds her formula and jordan loves to dig through the diaper bag, find it and either bang it on the floor or put it in his mouth and chew on it. this has been fine in the past because it has never opened. but...i guess he finally figured out how to open it. so i look over and there is my exclusively breastfed baby, chowin' down on some formula. formula drool dripping down his chin. it was gross. but who can be mad at a sweet baby face? especially when it looks like this:

no one. that's who.

***jordan stands on his own. well, kind of. i was taking his 8 month pictures (whoa. i just realized i totally missed out on posting for his 8th month *sad face*) i took some cute sitting down ones and then thought i'd try to get one of him at least standing up so you could see his super cute outfit. so i leaned him up against the kitchen cabinet and he just stood there. and stood there. and made some funny faces. and stood there some more! i was completely taken off guard and of course, cried as per usual. since then, he thinks he's mister big shot and holds onto things with one hand only. makes me crazy because he's not the most balanced yet.

***jordan tries to eat a rock. we were out swimming on a day i thought the monsoon would surely ruin our water baby time. the wind eventually did, and the thunder scared us inside too. anyway, jordan kept leaning over the side of the pool and grabbing at the dirt. no biggie. he's a boy. boys like dirt. i look over at ashlyn to make sure she isn't trying to dive face first into the pool. when i look back, it seems like jordan has something in his mouth. i stick my finger in there to investigate and i feel something jagged and pointy. yea. a rock. thank god i looked when i did before he tried to swallow it.

but, he didn't and he's as cute as ever :D

***4th of july. we went to my cousin's for a BBQ and swimming! my mom and i made rice crispies in the shape of a flag, jordan and i took a nap once we got to their house, we woke up just in time for dinner and then into the pool we went!

during our time in the pool, we noticed one of the wall lights floating...a few of the guys read the warning label on the light and it was talking about electrical shock and not to handle the light if it wasn't submerged. needless to say, jordan and i got out of the pool until the light was once again submerged.

but before that, we had a pretty good time! jordan kept his sunglasses on for almost 30 minutes, which is new since he tries to get them off his face as soon as you put them on.

then it was time for fireworks. i'm not a fan of fireworks. i think they're pretty, but almost every experience i've had with them had ended in millions of ant bites on various parts of my body. with this being jordan's first 4th of july and all, we had to go see them. and i somehow managed to come out of it all with NO bites! little man didn't want to pay attention to them at first, but when we kept pointing in the noisy direction, i think he got the idea.

***today, i was sitting in my chair with jordan in his highchair, feeding him. i leaned over to give him a bite and all of the sudden it felt like all the muscles in my lower back snapped and gathered into one spot. it hurt soooooo bad. i could hardly move. jordan was getting mad because he wasn't getting any food and tried standing up and climbing out. in the process, the tray gave way and he almost fell face first into the tile. i grabbed for him and caught him which caused yet another shooting pain in my back that sent me into uncontrollable crying. jordan started to cry because he was scared and i was crying because i was in so much pain. so we just had a big ole crying party today! my back is still really sore and it still hurts to move, but its feeling a little better now, thankfully. p.s. all this pain is from pinching my sciatic nerve. NOT fun. apparently it happens a lot after you have a baby. :(

i think that's all my news for now!

30 letter challenge - letter 1 - your best friend

i saw this on a blog i follow and decided to steal it :D i guess, originally, it was supposed to be a 30 day challenge, but i like her theory of really taking some time and just doing it when it feels right. so anyway, i think i'm going to do them in order, but here goes letter 1!

~to your best friend~

my dearest shawna,

we've only known each other for a short time, but you have become someone very close to my heart....i remember meeting you for the first time. it was after my 1st "sleepover" and you were in terrible tummy pain. but i still thought you were funny and charming in a way (is it weird that i just called you charming?...) then we spent day after day after day together and i got to know you so much better. you quickly became like a sister to me.

i remember all the times i stood up for you when mark was being a DOUCHEbag (which was more often than any of us hoped) all the times we partied together, talked about crushes together, "heard" each other LOL and the times we cried together.

you have always been a great friend to me (with a single exception due to crazy outside influences) and a great support when i needed you the most. you have seen me at my most vulnerable (sobbing after i found out i was pregnant) and were always my shoulder to cry on. you supported me when relationships ended and when new ones began.

i have also seen you at your most vulnerable (see the night in the garage when mark turned into a REAL psycho...) and at your happiest (whenever you talk about or are with, logan or bug) i have seen you accomplish your goal of going to school, which i am SO proud of you for going through with. i know it makes you happy and more fulfilled.

you are an amazing person AND friend and i cannot even begin to tell you how honored i will be standing by your side as you marry your best friend. i love you so much miss shawna gayle.

always your friend,

jess