i love my little guy!

he is the WORST at staying asleep once i put him in his crib. if i'm lucky, he'll sleep for 10 minutes and then he's up crying. tonight was no exception. i put him down and he woke up almost instantly. so i just left him in there to cry for a minute.

then i'd had enough, so i went and got him. i have the hardest time hearing him cry like that. especially when i know that if i just pick him up, he'll stop.

anyway, i rocked him back to sleep and put him in bed again. as soon as his little head hit the mattress, he was awake.

i got him a little dog for his birthday. it learns his name and favorite color and food and animal etc. it also plays 2, 5 or 10 minutes of naptime/bedtime music. so i went into the other room and got it for him. i put it in his crib with him and he put his sweet little arm over scout's chest! i patted his bottom to help him go to sleep and after i stopped, he woke up, fussed a little, got up and laid down right on top of scout!! it was just the sweetest thing i'd ever seen. so i had to take a picture and blog about it.

my little jordan is so tender hearted and i love him so much...

worst. day. ever.

my phone went of at 3 am. its a brand new phone, so i heard it but kind of thought it was in my dream. then it rang twice. then the house phone rang. the text message on my phone read "matthew has been attacked and needs to go to the hospital". i don't know if it was because i was half asleep or what, but for some reason, i thought it was LITTLE matthew. anyway, when i picked up the phone, it was my brother. i don't remember the conversation that followed, but i was flying around the house getting my clothes and wallet etc to leave.

i sped over to my brother's house and walked in the door. i went to their room and my brother was sitting on the bed with a towel over his eye. he moved it and i burst into tears. it wasn't little matthew. it was matthew matthew. i just kept saying "oh my god. oh my god. oh my god." i was completely panic stricken. i led him to the car and asked him if he had his wallet. he said no so i called cheyenne and told her we needed his wallet. she told me that it was taken and matthew just kept saying "take me to the hospital!" so we left. he leaned the seat back and was writhing in the seat almost in tears, he was in so much pain. we finally got to the st. joe's ER and they took him back into triage where i broke down. they were asking me for all this information that i didn't know. so i was making phone calls trying to figure it all out. i went and moved my car and went to the bathroom, where i promptly threw up. i think it was all the adrenaline. when i came out they called me back and then made me wait until the police were finished talking to me. (i don't know why they didn't just let me stay in the waiting room.) i sat there for 45 minutes waiting. i was tapping my foot and getting more and more irritated. then, a lady in a wheelchair rolled by and said "waiting is just the worst, isn't it?" i shook my head yes and started crying again. she seemed a little freaked out by my emotions and told me she hoped my friend was better soon. i mumbled thank you and she left. FINALLY, a nurse came over and told me i could go back and see him. he was all curled up under the blanket asking for something for the pain. which they wouldn't give him because they weren't done determining what all was wrong.

i kept hounding them to give him something for the pain and finally, they did. i asked her how long it would take to kick in and she said that it would take effect pretty quickly. wrong. they wheeled him off to do a CAT scan - still wasn't working. waited for 10 minutes. they wheeled him off to take x-rays - still wasn't working. waited for 10 minutes. thirty minutes went by and he was finally starting to feel a little relief. in my book, 30 minutes is not "pretty quickly". stupid nurse jackie. i thought that was a little funny that her name was nurse jackie because of that show...i digress.

they were wheeling him back to triage and one of the police officers was waiting in the triage room and asked to speak to me. we went to a little waiting room area and he asked me what happened. i told him that he was walking back home from the quik mart with a case of beer and 2 guys robbed him and beat him with a crowbar. he started asking me all these questions like if i'd talked to cheyenne at all and what time she texted me/called me and if he could see the messages. he was really rude about the whole thing and i just wanted to leave. then he told me that he needed to go talk to my brother again and i had to stay in the waiting room. then when he was done talking to him, he didn't even come tell me it was ok to go in. he just walked by the room and looked at me. i wanted to punch him.

back in the triage room, people were bustling around tending to some overdose guy. i just wanted to tell them all to shut up, but obviously, they couldn't do that. i wanted to turn off the lights so he could sleep, but i couldn't do that either. the nurse yelled at me when i did it. oh well. i tried. matthew finally went to sleep and slept for a few hours. then an older male nurse came in with all the stitching stuff. he had a gash over his left eye and a little one in the sensitive crease on the outside of your eye. :

he woke matthew up and told him that he was going to be fixing him up. they injected him with something, i don't know if it was a numbing agent or antibiotic or what. and then scrubbed the freaking gash out. he was being a real douchebag about it all and yelling at matthew to stop moving. i wanted to punch him. he finally finished stitching him up and left. nurse jackie came in and told us that he had multiple facial fractures and a blood bruise on his arm. she said that they were going to transfer him to UMC because he had facial trauma, that might require surgery and UMC has a bunch of specialists and is considered a trauma hospital. matthew went back to sleep and i waited to hear something about the transfer. there was a shift change at 7 am and the new nurse (who was a lot nicer) said she would check to see if there was an ETA on the ambulance. they were on their way.

they finally got there and matthew got up and got up onto the gurney. they told me it would probably be best if i followed them there so i didn't get stranded at UMC. so they put him in the ambulance and off we went. we got to UMC and i was able to park right by the ambulances and walk in with them. as soon as we got there, it was all hustle and bustle. there were 7 doctor/nurses in the room with him giving him the once over. i was standing outside the room and the chaplain came up to me and started talking to me asking what happened etc. i told him and he said "all things considered, he looks pretty good!" i looked at him and said "seriously, dude?" i felt like that was a very inconsiderate thing to say and just stared at him like he was an idiot. because he was. he apologized and walked off. stupid man.

when they were done checking him out, they told me i could go in and sit with him. matthew was trying to sleep, so the nurse turned off the lights, which i thought was very nice.

they have super wide chairs now (i assume because of all the fat people now) so i sat in that one and put my feet up on the normal sized chair and tried to get comfortable. yea right. (before the paramedics left, they gave me a fleece blanket for matthew because he was freezing the whole time at st. joe's and no one would give me any more blankets for him. jerks. anyway, by the time we got to UMC, he was hot. but i was freezing, so i covered myself up.) i went and asked the trauma nurse for a pillow and she went and got me one. a plastic covered pillow. it was obnoxious to sleep on. so i tore a hole in it so it wouldn't make so much noise. i ended up getting 15 minutes of sleep before the doctor came in.

he said that they were going to have a plastic surgeon come in and determine whether or not surgery needed to be done. he also said that it would be at least an hour or two before she would be there. i tried to sleep some more, but i was inundated with text messages and phone calls, so that didn't happen.

the two hours went by and the plastic surgeon came in. she said that there were 3 fractures in his face: his cheekbone area, his sinus bone and the lower part of the orbit of his eye. she said they were only displaced by a millimeter or two, so she didn't think it was worth the risk of surgery for purely cosmetic reasons (which i found odd coming from a plastic surgeon) she told said he had to be on a liquid diet for 2 weeks because he's not allowed chew because it might displace the bone more. he can't blow his nose for a week because the nasal and orbital cavity are open to each other and any air from nose blowing can get in and make the eye swell. she wants to see him in a week so they can determine then how to bones are healing and if he'll need surgery. she said if there were no other injuries, they would discharge him!

my dad came to visit after a while and then my uncle. my dad made me go eat something because apparently when you only sleep for an hour and 15 minutes, you look atrocious in your jammies and messy hair. i went and reluctantly ate some cereal and a banana and went back to the room. my dad said that while i was gone, they said they were going to release matthew within the hour.

we got all the prescriptions and instructions and got out of there. i took him home and cheyenne put him in bed and got him some ice. my mom came with jordan and dad came with the prescriptions. we all sat around and visited. dad left to go do some appointments and mom and i waited for cheyenne's mom to get there so we could go grocery shopping for them.

when we got back, we were just going to drop the groceries off and let them rest. but matthew was doing so well! it was like a whole different person. he was talking and having conversation and even laughing!! i got him some yogurt and some more ice for his eye and put the groceries away. we ended up staying for another hour. it felt much better to leave him there happy, than in pain.

we went home and ate some dinner and answered phone calls and called everyone that we'd missed. jordan wanted to go to bed at like 8 o'clock, so that was nice. but i think i let him sleep on me too long. when i went to put him in his crib, he woke up as soon as i put him down. i was too tired to try and rock him back to sleep, so i just took him to bed with me. it was probably actually a good thing because i had a hard time closing my eyes without seeing a crowbar. so i'd just pop my eyes open and there was my sweet boy. i put my head up to his chest and just listened to his heartbeat. put me right to sleep....

so....today is my nephew's birthday!

i called matthew to see how he was doing and wish little matthew happy birthday. matthew said that he'd only taken the 800mg ibuprofen they gave him and he felt okay. so that's good. i'm just glad he's not in a whole lot of pain.

i love you little brother. i hope you'll always count on me if you need anything.

we made it!

my little baby is now officially a year old! it's a sad day and a happy day all rolled into one. i can't believe that it's already been a year...it seems like yesterday that i was seeing his precious face for the first time.

i remember being so scared when i was laying in bed feeling my contractions start. i couldn't believe that i was going to be a mommy. even though i'd had the 9-10 months to prepare, it didn't feel like it was enough. i had cared for kids before, but this one would be mine. we went to the hospital when the contractions started getting stronger and closer together and the front door was locked! we must have gone to the wrong entrance, but thankfully, there was an attendant there who let us in. they made me walk around because i was only dilated a centimeter. i remember walking around wincing through contractions and going through the alphabet trying to pick out a name!

after the pitocin, the contractions were awful. jordan was sunnyside up so i was having vicious back labor which just made me want to scream at everyone. after 9 hours of hard labor and running on about 6 hours of sleep in the past 2 days, i caved and got the epidural. it was heavenly and everyone told me to take a nap. yea right. being a mommy was finally on the horizon and they want me to nap?! i don't think so. i closed my eyes and laid there wondering what my still nameless son was going to look like. sound like. act like. then it was time.

pushing was nothing like i thought it would be. all the shows i had watched made it seem like this non stop process with screaming and medical professionals scurrying around. but mine was nothing like that. i would push for the 10 seconds, lay back and we'd all be having a conversation and laughing until the next contraction came. it was very strange to me. the doctor told me that she could see the top of his head (which i already knew because by this point, my epidural was wearing off) and asked if i wanted to feel. i reached down and felt his slimy head lol. i just said, "ew!" and everyone laughed.

then, my life changed forever. my baby was born. they put him up on my chest and i fell in love. it was amazing and he was perfect. my heart filled with unexplainable joy and when my heart overflowed, the extra joy came out as tears. i was his mother. i gave him life! i felt so accomplished and amazed that i had made someone as perfect as my little jordan.

i chose the name jordan because in the bible, the isrealites crossed the jordan river into their new life. this child represented my crossing over into my new life. and i think that it fits him perfectly.

everyday, i look at him and realize how blessed i am to have him in my life as my son. i truly believe that he saved me from an awful situation. he has helped me heal, forgive and move on with my life. i love him more than my own life and i would do anything to keep him safe.

i love you jordan and i can't wait to spend many more birthdays with you!

the boo-boo diaries

the morning started off pretty well. we were getting ready to head out to church, but i wanted to make a bottle for ashlyn first. so i put jordan in his carseat which was sitting on the couch, like so:

i was standing in front of that fridge on the left. i didn't strap jordan in because it takes me 15 seconds to make a bottle. as i'm dumping formula, i hear a loud crash next to me and then - screaming. he must have leaned too far forward because the seat tipped over landing my precious baby on his face. i'm pretty sure i dropped the bottle and ran to him up. it was awful and i can't tell you how quickly and intensely that "bad mommy" feeling washed over me. he couldn't even breathe he was trying to cry so hard. he was kicking his little legs in pain. horrible. i held him and rocked him and he immediately tried to go to sleep. you're not supposed to let them fall asleep for an hour after they hit their head (because of concussions and possibly not waking up) so i was doing my best to keep him awake, but he just kept crying. he finally calmed down a little and i was able to play with him on the floor for a while to keep him up.

here he is with tears and boogers.

it just got worse as the day went on....my poor little guy. i learned my lesson. i just wish my lesson didn't come at the price of my little guy hurting. :(

birthday party MADNESS!

the day has come and gone :( jordan's birthday party day....so much fun but waaaaaaay too much work! thank GOD birthdays only come once a year. and doubly thank god that this is my only child. forever. yeesh. i figured i would put up some pictures!!

my baby with the onesie i made for him!

sign on the front window.

the cupcake table!

mommy and very suspicious baby <3

this is probably one of my favorite pictures of the day! jordan sitting on my very pregnant SiL.

the eye of the storm ;)

before and after the cupcake. as you can see, he DESTROYED it. yay jordan!

jordan with all his presents!!

i love my little goober and i can't believe that his ACTUAL birthday is tomorrow (since technically, its sunday now)

my little guy is growing up....

p.s. he now walks across the room!!

its so cute the way he toddles around (oh no...he's a TODDLER)

he's not little anymore...

and it makes me wanna cry :(

its not the best picture in the world, but geez. he's growing up. already.

oh boy...

17 days until jordan becomes a year old....where has the time gone?? i don't know, but i want back. NOW. i sit here and wonder what he'll look like when he's 3 or 4. or 12. that last number freaks me out a little. ok. a lot. i can't imagine myself with a pre schooler - much less a pre teen!! *mini panic attack*

i don't know what else to say. i'm pretty tired right now. i haven't been sleeping well the last few - well....since jordan was born. ha ha! actually, its not that funny. i'm pretty sure i've been walking around like a zombie for the past year.

i'm in another wedding tomorrow! so that should be fun! but i better scoot off to bed so my eyes aren't all bloodshot....nighty night lovelies!