D-day

Ugh. I am soooo tired, but I can't sleep. Today was just an awful day. Well, technically yesterday since it's almost 1am. Anyway, it has been 2 years since I was raped and Jordan was conceived. I hate saying taht word. It's so ugly.

It's not something I enjoy thinking about, so I try not to, but it will always be there.

I feel damaged.

I feel abused.

I feel disgusted.

I feel hatred.

And I hate when people say "Time heals all wounds." Yea. It doesn't. Especially not this kind of wound. So before you say that phrase to anyone, just don't. Because coming from someone who has heard it a lot, all it makes you want to do is punch whoever said it.

I hate having nightmares about it.

I hate waking up in a sweaty panic.

I hate bursting into tears for no apparent reason.

I hate having to be careful about what I watch on T.V.

I hate seeing his face in my sweet Jordan's face.

*But I'm thankful that I don't see him in my baby's eyes. If I did, I think I would die inside everyday.

I hate seeing things that aren't there.

I hate jumping at any little noise at night.

I hate that I always feel like he's walking behind me.

I hate that we live in a world where a man thinks he can TAKE something that is supposed to be beautiful and turn into something so ugly.

So it's been 2 years.

Jordan and I went on a little lunch date with my Dad, which was wonderful! (Thanks again Dad, if you're reading!!) Then we had to do some retail therapy and got some fun things. Then, we went to the park and fed the ducks. So, I did my best to keep my mind busy, but there's always nighttime when things get quiet. That's when all the wheels start turning that make it impossible to sleep. So here I am writing aimlessly trying to get it all out so I can rest.

I feel like my head is pounding and I'm really anxious. My palms are sweaty and I keep glancing towards my door to make sure I don't see any looming shadows.

If I have to find the silver lining in this disgusting mess, it would be Jordan. I can't even begin to express how terrified I am about having to reveal this to him one day. Or maybe I won't. I haven't really figured that out yet. Either way, he lights up every one of my days with his heart crushing smile. He melts my heart with his giggles and he amazes me with his intelligence. I will do everything in my power to make sure that he becomes a man who treats women with respect. Who will stand up for what he believes in and will have the strength to do what's right in the face of temptation.

Maybe one day, this date won't pop up like a neon sign, but until then, I'll just watch my Son grow up and love him like no one else can.

Kandee Land!

So, I don't know who all knows about this lovely lady, but I feel like I have to tell everyone about her. I ran across her on YouTube probably about 6 months ago and absolutely LOVE her. Even her name is sweet! Kandee! Kandee Johnson. She's a make-up artist, but mostly she's just an amazingly joyful and happy person. I know that no one can be cheerful all the time, but really, I have a hard time seeing her getting really mad about anything.

She's quirky and funny and most importantly (to me) she's a Mommy! Hearing her talk about all her babies just makes me want to squeeze my Jordan tighter and be more patient with him. So, that's a little added bonus for me. And I guess for Jordan too ha ha!

I've learned a lot of fun make-up things from her and I'm trying to adopt the whole positive outlook thing, but it's pretty hard for me since I'm naturally cynical. :/ Anyway, if you want a happy little slice of "Kandee"cake in your daily life, here are her linksies:

Kandee's YouTube Make-Up channel

Kandee's YouTube (The more personal) channel

Kandee's Make-Upy Blog

Kandee's Mommy Blog

I hope you all enjoy her as much as I do!!

I'm so braggy. :D

Today was Jordan's doctor's appointment. He never likes them (he has a major case of stranger danger. Which is actually fine with me.) The nurses super scare him and the older of the two doctors is just not as nice as his son. But, today we had the son. He always makes an effort to talk to us and ask us about our day (Today he asked what we had for breakfast and what we were doing for the rest of the day) Jordan is ok with that, as long as he gets to sit on my lap. So, the doctor read a book with him and they had high fives. Good times.

He asked how he was talking and I listed most of the words I posted in last night's blog-a-roo. When I continued past 10 words, he just stared at me with his mouth open. He said he's saying way more words than 95% of kids his age and that he's "incredible". Duh. Of course he's incredible! The doctor also complimented me on doing extended rear facing. He said I'm the only one of his patient's mothers who is doing it. Frankly, that baffles me. I don't know why you wouldn't want your kid to be safer, longer. But everyone is allowed to have their own opinions!!

In case you want to see the benefits, clicky. *Mommies: Have some tissues close by*

Anyway, his weigh is perfect, height is perfect, head is perfect and he takes shots like a champ. He only screams when he's getting stuck and then he's fine. But they do make him super sleepy, so I'm hoping for an extra long naptime? Maybe not. We'll see. All in all, my baby is fantastic!

Waiting to be called back. He LOVES theses things.

Sad little baby tear. He didn't want to be weighed or measured at all.

Just before he flipped the diaper bag upside down!

He got a lollipop after his shots. Holy blue.

My BeeBee.

Today, my little munchkin is 15 months old. I really feel like I keep saying "I can't believe it's already been (insert number of months here) already!" But, I can't. He's 23 pounds, 30 3/4 inches tall by my calculations. His doctor's appointment is tomorrow, so we'll see what the doctor comes up with.

He can:

*Push himself down the slide. Alone.

*Climb onto chairs, tables and boxes.

*Scream like NOBODY'S business. It is pretty ridiculous.

*Nod 'Yes' and shake his head 'No'

*Throw a dirty diaper in the trash if I ask him to.

*Help pick up toys.

*Dance like a little professional in the making. (Not the stripping kind of professional.)

*Feed himself with a fork/spoon.

*Throw a ball. And food. Surprisingly far.

*Play with his toys uninterrupted.

*Say tons of words like:

*Ta (water

*tadpole

*Banana

*Grandma

*Mama (mostly he just chooses to scoul at me instead of say the actual word. Fun.)

*Papa

*Fish

*This

*Book

*Bonk

*Ow (he says this when he's hurt and also, he calls the brush ow. HA HA!!)

*Ball

*Gus (One of our cats)

*Tiger (The other cat)

*Moo

*Hi

*Love you (it's only happened once. But it was soooo cute! It sounded like "Lubbo".) MELT.

*Wee ooo (like the sound a firetruck makes. He does it when he wants to go for a stroller ride too.)

There are more, I'm sure. But I'm too tired to think anymore.

Today, I decided that it would be a good day to start working out again. I was gonna hit in with my 30 day shred, but in my adventure to find the DVD, I found my Zumba videos and decided to do that instead. And let me say, I'm soooo glad I did! I have so much fun doing it and it doesn't even feel like a workout. Until they switch styles and you're like "whoa. I can't breathe!" But not in a bad, pass out kind of way. In the good, I'm working out kind of way. Anywho, I locked the babies up in the playpen and they had a grand ole time watching me get my Zumba on. I think Jordan even picked up a few new moves! I saw him shaking his little hips a little differently than he usually does ;)

I still ate like crap today, but, tomorrow is another day and I vow to do better! I just really want to be around and healthy to play with Jordan for as long as possible. I know lots of people say that, but you know. It's true.

To keep me inspired.

*Clever Title*

Tonight, we made our second trip to UMC to see all the goodies people have left there. It's crazy because I was literally there 4 days ago and there is SO much more stuff there! It was very quiet and weird the first time (during the day) and much more sad and surreal at night.

It even goes further back than what you can see in the photo...

(don't forget, you can click on the image to see the full size!)

Also, I fell asleep during the news and woke up to some creepy voice on t.v. Turns out, they were showing a youtube video that the shooter made. It totally creeped me out to hear a killer's voice. Anywho, I think they're talking way too much about this guy. I suspect he probably wanted some kind of notoriety out of this situation and we're giving it to him. I understand that people want to know what made him do it, but I can't even imagine how painful it is for all the people (his parents included) who lost loved ones, to hear about it all.

On to happier things...Jordan sometimes falls asleep in weird positions and I think its so cute. Plus, I'm a mamarazzi, so I snap pictures of everything anyway ;)

I've been sick for 3 and a half weeks now and Jordan has bits and pieces as well. When he's sick, he just wants his Mommy (don't we all?) So I put him in the swing next to my bed. I heard it stop swinging, so I assumed he was trying to climb out. Nope. Just too tired to lay back ha ha!

We've been walking to the park for the past few days and Jordan is IN LOVE with the slide! He's even gotten brave enough to push down the slide all by himself!! I love that look of pure thrill on his face.

Really. I've just never met a cuter kid in my life.

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!

He is so incredibly entertained by his feet! I hope this doesn't turn into a foot fetish...

Ok. Can I just say WHOA. I always thought people were lying to me when they say Jordan looks like me (and I still do) but right here...I can TOTALLY see him in my baby face. Whoa.

P.s. That sweet little face right there is telling me to kiss his owies on his poor little hand :(

I guess that's all for now!

Oh wait! I forgot! I took pictures of my little nephew today and they turned out soooo cute! (it helps bunches when your subject is already super adorable)

Things that annoy me.

1. I got some professional make-up brushes, but they smell funny. So I washed them out and the water turned black. (I'm still gonna use those brushes. But you bet your sweet hiney I'll be washing them out everyday.)

2. When an anti social psychopath decides it would be a good idea to try and assassinate my local Congresswoman. clicky.

3. When my child refuses to sleep anywhere but next to me in my bed or next to my bed in his swing. I just don't have the energy it takes to stand next to his crib for an hour and pat him to sleep. Which brings me to my next point...

4. The reason I have no energy is because I've been sick for 3 weeks. I don't know if you read that or just raced past it. So I'll repeat it for you. I have been sick for 3 WEEKS. THREE WEEKS! Do you have any idea how miserable that is? Probably. I'm a whiny baby when I'm sick.

5. When Jordan does finally go to sleep, I get a magical burst of stupid energy. Seriously. What am I supposed to do with it? I should wake him up. Then he'll know how it feels. Scratch that. "Never wake a sleeping baby."

6. When people make it seem like you're the douche for doing something nice. Really? Who does that? A jerk. That's who.

7. When anyone says "I'll call/text you later" and they don't. If you're not gonna do it, don't say you will. It's just obnoxious and then I think you're dead.

8. I don't really have another one, but I don't like uneven numbers. :)

So here are my water blackening brushes:

They're so pretty and incredibly soft. I'll let you know how they work out.

And just for giggles:

COW NAILS!

I hope you all enjoyed my complaining.

**edit** I was tossing and turning in bed and thought of some more.

9. When people type lyk dis cos they thnk they coo. What does that accomplish? It just shows me

a. You're too lazy to type an actual sentence.

b. You're too stoopid to care that you can't type an actual sentence.

(I almost left the periods out of both those sentences. oopsie.)

10. Ebonics. See above.

The Park & The Owies.

So, you've probably all read/heard the story of the burned baby fingers (If not, clicky) so I put together the healing process.

I'm so thankful that babies heal quickly. I think his hand is starting to bother him more now that its raw skin. Poor little guy :(

Yesterday, I decided it would be a good idea to torture myself and go look at my "dream house". Yea, that was a bad idea. I LOVE it more now than I did before. So pretty....AND to top it all off, Jordan loved it too. I put him down when we got inside and he plopped himself down facefirst onto the carpeted floor (kinda gross in retrospect) and started rubbing his hands on the carpet. It was so cute and we all got a kick out of it.

After that, we went to the Park. It was so much fun and the perfect weather too. It was a little chilly, but when you get walking around (or chasing ducks) you warm up! I wanted to go to the Rose Garden so badly, but duh. Its winter and they're all dead. So that was kind of sad. But Jordan liked chasing the ducks and geese around and after about 10 minutes, he'd taught himself to quack ha ha!

Anyway, those were our "day off" adventures!

Out Out, I wanna move OUT!

So, for the past few weeks, I've been having dreams about moving out. Nowhere specific, there were just always piles of boxes everywhere. So, today I was looking online for fun and I found my perfectly perfect dream house. I'm sure it will be haunting my dreams for...forever. Anyway, I thought I would share some pictures of it so you can dream along with me.

*sigh*