It's not something I enjoy thinking about, so I try not to, but it will always be there.
I feel damaged.
I feel abused.
I feel disgusted.
I feel hatred.
And I hate when people say "Time heals all wounds." Yea. It doesn't. Especially not this kind of wound. So before you say that phrase to anyone, just don't. Because coming from someone who has heard it a lot, all it makes you want to do is punch whoever said it.
I hate having nightmares about it.
I hate waking up in a sweaty panic.
I hate bursting into tears for no apparent reason.
I hate having to be careful about what I watch on T.V.
I hate seeing his face in my sweet Jordan's face.
*But I'm thankful that I don't see him in my baby's eyes. If I did, I think I would die inside everyday.
I hate seeing things that aren't there.
I hate jumping at any little noise at night.
I hate that I always feel like he's walking behind me.
I hate that we live in a world where a man thinks he can TAKE something that is supposed to be beautiful and turn into something so ugly.
So it's been 2 years.
Jordan and I went on a little lunch date with my Dad, which was wonderful! (Thanks again Dad, if you're reading!!) Then we had to do some retail therapy and got some fun things. Then, we went to the park and fed the ducks. So, I did my best to keep my mind busy, but there's always nighttime when things get quiet. That's when all the wheels start turning that make it impossible to sleep. So here I am writing aimlessly trying to get it all out so I can rest.
I feel like my head is pounding and I'm really anxious. My palms are sweaty and I keep glancing towards my door to make sure I don't see any looming shadows.
If I have to find the silver lining in this disgusting mess, it would be Jordan. I can't even begin to express how terrified I am about having to reveal this to him one day. Or maybe I won't. I haven't really figured that out yet. Either way, he lights up every one of my days with his heart crushing smile. He melts my heart with his giggles and he amazes me with his intelligence. I will do everything in my power to make sure that he becomes a man who treats women with respect. Who will stand up for what he believes in and will have the strength to do what's right in the face of temptation.
Maybe one day, this date won't pop up like a neon sign, but until then, I'll just watch my Son grow up and love him like no one else can.
You are amazingly strong woman!!! I have no doubt that Jordon will grow up to be his lady's (and yours) knight in shining armor and nothing like his sperm donor.
ReplyDeleteNo matter what you tell him when the time comes he'll know that he is loved and you are thankful to have him as your son.
I hope that the nights get easier for you, and wish I could do something to help.
-Cacie
Hmmm. *hugs* Time doesn't heal all wounds (whoever said that never suffered something traumatic!). I think maybe they just get pushed aside when better things in life come along. I'm STILL recovering from being the victim of domestic abuse. I still can't hug people with out flinching (cos I think they might hit me in the face) It has been almost ten years since I got to escape. And to be honest, I think if I had stayed with the guy I would be dead and buried in the ground. That's how bad it was.
ReplyDeleteYour son will be a Prince. Your sorrow will teach him to be a gentleman to women. Just like I'm teaching my daughter that if a little boy hits her, he's an asshole and she better not put up with it. That whole "Oh boys hit girls when they like them" in kindergarten philosophy is bullshit. It sets a girl up to tolerate that kind of behavior at a very young age.
Anyway, I'm glad you kept your son. I know a woman who was the result of rape and her mother put her up for adoption.
Keep your family together. And know you have support from everywhere. I think spending it in a positive way is awesome. Great way to turn a negative into something good.
Have you thought about support groups? I was in one, and it really helped me out a lot. To talk to others who had gone through what I went through did not make me feel so alone, a failure, ugly, and horrible. It might sound cliche' too ... but talking about it with total strangers (not related to me in anyway) helped me come to terms with what had happened to me in a neutral setting. I got to the point where I was tired of people feeling sorry for me and victimize me all over again. I said, "I'm not dead. I'm a survivor. I'm a fighter. Stop feeling bad for me."
I still can't watch shows where husbands beat their wives though. It enrages me.
Anyway, thanks for sharing your story and your feelings. That was very brave.
My dear friend,I can't tell you how much I respect and admire you. You are a brave and wonderful woman who under terrifying circumstances (that I can't even half way understand)Have found joy in being a mother. Your Jordan Is a treasure, A pearl that has come from a dung heap. You are what makes him that treasure. I'm sure he will be an extraordinarily good man someday because his mother taught him to be.I pray that God will give you peace my friend. Love you.
ReplyDeleteDj
Thank you, you beautiful ladies. Your encouragement and loves brought tears to my eyes.
ReplyDeleteCacie, just being the loving woman you are, helped me tremendously :)
Brittany, yes, I have considered a support group. The one I found requires that you talk to a therapist at least twice before you go. So you aren't re-traumatized. I was really motivated to do it and then, I just lost the motivation and crawled back into my little shell. I just really really REALLY don't want to talk about it. So I think I'll try again a little later. (I know its an excuse just to not have to talk about it.)
I know that our efforts to teach our children how to behave because of what we've gone through, will pay off. WE ARE SURVIVORS!
DJ, Thank you so so much for your kind words. I want you to know how thankful I am for how kind and loving you are. It brightens my day and makes me feel better!!