we made it!

my little baby is now officially a year old! it's a sad day and a happy day all rolled into one. i can't believe that it's already been a year...it seems like yesterday that i was seeing his precious face for the first time.

i remember being so scared when i was laying in bed feeling my contractions start. i couldn't believe that i was going to be a mommy. even though i'd had the 9-10 months to prepare, it didn't feel like it was enough. i had cared for kids before, but this one would be mine. we went to the hospital when the contractions started getting stronger and closer together and the front door was locked! we must have gone to the wrong entrance, but thankfully, there was an attendant there who let us in. they made me walk around because i was only dilated a centimeter. i remember walking around wincing through contractions and going through the alphabet trying to pick out a name!

after the pitocin, the contractions were awful. jordan was sunnyside up so i was having vicious back labor which just made me want to scream at everyone. after 9 hours of hard labor and running on about 6 hours of sleep in the past 2 days, i caved and got the epidural. it was heavenly and everyone told me to take a nap. yea right. being a mommy was finally on the horizon and they want me to nap?! i don't think so. i closed my eyes and laid there wondering what my still nameless son was going to look like. sound like. act like. then it was time.

pushing was nothing like i thought it would be. all the shows i had watched made it seem like this non stop process with screaming and medical professionals scurrying around. but mine was nothing like that. i would push for the 10 seconds, lay back and we'd all be having a conversation and laughing until the next contraction came. it was very strange to me. the doctor told me that she could see the top of his head (which i already knew because by this point, my epidural was wearing off) and asked if i wanted to feel. i reached down and felt his slimy head lol. i just said, "ew!" and everyone laughed.

then, my life changed forever. my baby was born. they put him up on my chest and i fell in love. it was amazing and he was perfect. my heart filled with unexplainable joy and when my heart overflowed, the extra joy came out as tears. i was his mother. i gave him life! i felt so accomplished and amazed that i had made someone as perfect as my little jordan.

i chose the name jordan because in the bible, the isrealites crossed the jordan river into their new life. this child represented my crossing over into my new life. and i think that it fits him perfectly.

everyday, i look at him and realize how blessed i am to have him in my life as my son. i truly believe that he saved me from an awful situation. he has helped me heal, forgive and move on with my life. i love him more than my own life and i would do anything to keep him safe.

i love you jordan and i can't wait to spend many more birthdays with you!